Someone once said that Kenya has the most
beautiful girls in Africa.
People can debate on that all day however
the one thing we would all agree on is the
uniqueness of Kenyan women in terms of
their characters and stereotypes.
Some of the stuff may not sit well with some
people because it may be adversely
mentioning them. This is my opinion and is
subject to change.
We hope somebody soon crafts a foolproof
guide to Kenyan men soon.
Foolproof guide to Kenyan women. Enjoy…!?
1) Alice the Alcoholic.
Most of her facebook statuses are about how
she is going to get wasted,got wasted, or
missed work coz she slept till midday on a
Tuesday.
Proudly says how she had whiskey, gin and
tonic or tequila with her lunch(this lot have
long graduated to serious drinks not these
ma-blackices). Buys her own drinks, has a
nice job, 3 ton chip on her shoulder.
Chances of being a good wife or girlfriend…
nil.
2) Betty the Bitter Single Mum.
At every table, in every bar or restaurant in
this country, there is a bitter single mum.
She casually calls the father of her kid ‘
bastard’ and has man issues that would make
FIDAs most male bashing lawyer look like a
geisha.
Men are dogs, she says. Then spends the rest
of the night whining how Kenyan men are too
insecure they cant date a single mum.
Date-ability depends on how bad her
bitterness is.
3) Cathy the Cougar
She may be a jeisty Karen wife, or a
shrubbing farmer from Nyeri, but increasingly
Kenya’s dating scene is becoming the hunting
ground for old women with money to burn on
young men.
Dont be fooled. She only wants you for your
body. You arent allowed to shag anyone else
and must be at her beck and call. If at 3
a.m. on a Tuesday she calls you up and tells
you to meet her…you move your fecking A$
chap chap.
Your mum would have a heart attack if she
found out you are doing her.
Your bank manager would have a heart attack
if you stopped doing her.
If you manage to rock her world, she will ask
you to marry her. Good luck having any
respect in society.
4) Dorothy the Divorcee
Her ex-husband shagged anything in a skirt.
Now she is in the market earnestly trying to
show him up.
Prefers more mature and working men. Your
future prospects depend on how much one
man’s trash can
really be another man’s treasure.
5) Emma Evil
Mean, rude, stingy and unfortunately
gorgeous as hell. Knows she is beautiful and
thinks that gives her carte blanche to do
whatever she likes.
Has no concept of guilt or remorse. You
wouldnt be surprised if you found a human
skull and occult paraphanelia in her
wardrobe.
6) Fifi the Freak
She certainly is very…ahem…popular. Goes
home with a different guy every friday and
you know at least seven of your pals whom
she has been with.
Boss, stay away from this chick, unless you
dont mind getting rashes in personal places.
7) Gladys goody-two-shoes.
Every sentence has one of these words. ”
church, pastor, bible, salvation,sin, holy, no.”
She is the girl with the ankle length skirts,
bible in her handbag, who wont meet you in
a bar coz its a sin, goes for prayer meetings
every night and carries annointing oil with
her.
Unless you are actually a committed christian
man looking for a wife, stay away from her
or risk being struck by lightening.
8) Harriet the Hustler
We all know atleast one chick like this. She is
always on her phone, talking in machine-gun
speed vernacular doing deals about plots,
kukus or farm produce. Can sell you anything
you want from a car to a tractor to an eigth
in rongai. Just give her five minutes and
some airtime.
Annoying as girlfriends this lot make better
wives, as long as you know that while
cheating is forgiveable, losing her money is
not.
9)Immaculate, who is anything but
immaculate.
Spent her early 20s living it up, being
shagged by politicians and musicians.
Now in her late 20s/ early 30s she is turning
a new leaf and is looking for a husband. She
has changed all her friends, uses her middle
name so that her former identity doesnt get
discovered, joined a conservative church and
is practicing secondary virginity.
We all have a past, so if you are a mature
and forgiving, understanding man…date her.
But most men are shallow hypocrites who run
for the hills when they find out she was once
secretary to the cabinet.
10) Jane the Joker
28 years old. No job. No income. Lives with
her parents. Didnt finish University, is always
doing some wierd short courses. Has no drive
but drives a souped up car. Thinks daddy will
always bethere to provide.
Wants a rich man to make her his housewife.
Doesnt cook, clean or talk to poor people.
11) Kate from Karen
Snobbery in designer jeans. Kate only mixes
within ‘her social class’.
Prefers twitter to facebook and tells you to
your face that she rejected your friend
request ” coz we just work together, i mean,
its not like we are friends friends. But we can
still do email.”
Your car must be german, clothes itallian and
she will not show up if the restaurant isnt
japanese or turkish. Has never been east of
moi avenue. Holidays in Bali while you
holiday in Nyali.
Date her if you are old money. You may get
away with being new money so long as its a
lot of new money.
12) Laura Loud-Mouth
Gossips like a fishmonger’s wife. Everything
and aything you tell her will soon be public
knowledge. Has a loud annoying voice, loud
annoying laugh and only an idiot would date
her let alone marry her.Has no real friends,
loves being the centre of attention and
conversation. Is a pathological liar.
13) Moody Molly
One minute she is all rainbows and
butterflies the next she is a tsunami of anger
and tears. Her extreme mood swings scare
you and you instictively move back slightly if
she has a knife, even if its a bread knife in a
restaurant.
14) Nelly the clingy Nag
She calls you at 6 to say good morning. At 8
to find out if you got to work okay. Sends you
three texts, writes on your wall and calls you
twice before lunch, She always wants to be
with you and gives you annoying petnames.
Goes ballistic or naggy when you say you
cant see her.
15) Sally Shagzmodo
‘Wow djon, ndhis is a ravry les-toe-lant.’
Hotter than a somalia summer you try and
ignore the mother tongue interference,
accent and wierd perfume. You focus on the
hourglass figure, flawless skin and hope to
heaven that she wont ask the maitre d if she
can have some ugali rather than spaghetti
with her meatballs.
16) Tanya Too-Good-To-Be-True
She cooks like a chef, has a hot figure, sharp
mind and good sense of humour.
She loves football and rugby, your boys like
her, your family adores her and ever since
you met her your life has been perfect.
Extensive background checks have revealed
nothing untoward about her past,she comes
from a good-normal family, is loving and will
make a great wife and mother.
Run. This chick will sacrifice you to some idol
somewhere in karura forest.
17) Vivian the Virgin
After being in C.U. all thru high school and
university, Vivian has decided she now wants
to taste the forbiden fruit.
But only if you are going to marry her. As in,
you have met her parents and started
brideprice negotiations.
She talks about marriage on the first date.
18) Wendy the Wannabe
Wendy name drops, has fb pictures of her
with famous people and is constantly looking
for the next celebrity event or club opening.
Within two minutes of meeting you she has
already asked what you drive,where you live
and where you work.
If you answer you dont have a car, live in
eastlands and are tarmacking she will sneer,
despite the fact that all three are true for
her as well.
19) Yasmin
Yasmin is a muslim. She may even wear a
buibui. But when she comes over to your
house she drinks alcohol and eats pork. No
pun intended. Okay, pun intended. She wont
be seen with you in public and if her dad
finds out an infidel has taken the fidelity of
his daughter there will be a fatwa and jihad
on your A$.
Marrying her means changing religions.
20) Zipporah Manzi wa Mtaa
Listens exclusively to genge and reggae,
knows every matatu on their home route
down to the specifications of the music
system. When you suggest watching Karate
Kid at the cinema she tells you not to waste
2k, you can get a dvd of it for 50 bob, buy
some nyama and napoleon brandy and watch
it at home.
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